A collection of classes for what would be the world's worst RPG, if ever it was produced. Established on the Facebook GOMEZ back on March 25, 2018, this thread has been updated throughout the years, including helpful illustrations provided mostly by Aaron in 2023 with the dawn of GomezBot. The full history of it is below.
The Feral Mage: A man particularly talented in magic who also has rabies.
The Naked Mage: Identical to the Feral Mage but cannot wear clothes.
The Wererock: Transforms into rocks during a full moon. Avoid being mined and turned into structures.
The Druid: A 1960's hippy who can transform into seagulls (plural), shrimp, and seaweed.
The Wakefielder: A doctor who has a 51% chance to heal and a 49% to cause massive damage with his heals. Every time he heals, he adds an anti-vaccinated debuff to his target, and if he heals a third time in a row, a horrible contageous disease spreads to everyone with the debuff.
Josh 2018-03-25
Then you have the Teleport Wizard, who can teleport you anywhere in the universe but has absolutely no control over where and all possibilities are equally likely.
He can upgrade into the Sphere Wizard, who can teleport you anywhere within a 100 foot sphere. Unfortunately, this can include walls and 100 feet off the ground where you will shortly plummet to your death.
And the Human Torch, who once during his life can light himself on fire, causing 50% of his health in damage per second to himself and those around him.
The Witch Doctor can alter the time of day by 4-8 hours, but does so by knocking you unconscious.
Josh 2019-03-07
Also the Cuss Wizard. He just swears and sometimes glows when he does.
Josh 2019-03-14
And also the class Horadric Nina. All Horadric Nina's are daughters of Grandma Edna. Their true names are unutterable and if one were to learn how to speak them, terrors would be unleashed. Horadric Nina's live about 15 minutes away and can do menial computer tasks with little difficulty.
"We tried to call her so she could come over for the holidays, but to speak her true name is the end of all things. We refer to her as Horadric Nina, but she doesn't answer when we call her that. One time my son learned her true name and he became a demigod." - Grandma Edna to Bob, from Microsoft Support Santro, Not India
Bizarro Horadric Nina: A normal person of middling talent who thinks she is a Horadric Nina.
"Don't you mean... Bizarro Horadric Nina?"
Josh 2019-06-01
Rock Slurry Sludge Man: A dwarf who looks exactly like Kyle and drinks ore refining byproducts. No special abilities whatsoever.
"Any superhero with "sludge" in his name just isn't that super of a hero."
Matt
Just call him, Swarf
Josh
The Beer Witch: Another critter that looks exactly like Kyle. He can wring the alcohol out of beer bread but otherwise is not particularly noteworthy.
“Anyone who can wring a single liquid out of dry bread deserves it.”
Josh 2019-08-03
The Individual: The only one who doesn't become one with someone else.
"In a world where everyone is someone else... one man stands alone. The Individual."
Josh 2020-09-05
Crusader Friend: Someone who donates $50 or more during the telethon becomes a Crusader Friend. Poor financial management and a thirst for adventure without the skill or willpower to actually go on one round out this most worthless class.
Matt
I believe another class was developed during the tubing trip, something like a desert mage.
Josh 2021-09-03
It's been too long.
The Very Minor Healer. He can cast Heal Very Minor Wound. If you were trapped on a desert island with absolutely nothing and you could heal a particular wound, he can heal that wound, too. With *magic*.
He has an enormous mana pool but can only cast this one spell, can only cast it once per day, and the spell costs no mana.
"It's rough when you get run over by a car, but when you get run over by a light breeze, there's only one guy to call."
Josh 2021-09-08
The Pyromancer: He just has a lighter. As he levels up his lighter grows in length. It still usually doesn't work.
"50% of the time, it works 50% of the time."
Matt
Pyromancer is too good a name, more like The Lighter BICmancer.
His lighter works slightly more often in the vicinity of an active volcano.
Josh 2022-01-09
The Dick Wizard: [Censored]
Matt
Josh 2022-03-28
The Piratemancer: can literally summon pirates.
Before you go off and pick this class, be warned. The pirates he summons are actual pirates from the age of sail, meaning:
1. There’s a limited supply
2. There are time travel paradoxes
3. The pirates won’t listen to you
4. You can’t choose which pirates you get.
5. You can’t send them back.
Much like training a unit in a real-time strategy game, when spawned they always, always say the same thing: “yar matey yo-ho”. This holds regardless of the year they are from or the language they speak. On the bright side they generally come clothed and with weapons.
“Ya best start believin in pirates. Yer in one!”
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following characters began to receive computer-conceived images. These are shown in the master table of classes to save space here.
Josh 2022-05-07
The Water Clown: Like all clowns, a servant of the demon Eloisecole. Swims short distances before drowning, but sadly and artistically. Can use short swords.
Josh 2022-09-11
The Sand Witch: Floating woman in the desert that creates sand tornadoes and goes on sand benders and makes food out of bread, meat, vegetables, mayonnaise, and cheese. She can only do these three things simultaneously.
"Here comes the sandwich. I mean sand witch."
Matt 2023-01-06
The Duct Tape Wizard
Also specializes as a healer.
Matt 2023-01-20
Pictor Magicae (Painter Magic):
After years of being a dedicated employee at Sherman Williams, along with eating paint chips on a daily basis, an average employee can become formidable in the ways of paint and paint products.
Through the consumption of paint, new and exciting abilities unlock to give this caster more control of paint. Some abilities include, spawning paint at will, being slightly more creative while paint art, immunities to asbestos, and the ability to breathe in liquid if it’s paint.
Should this spell caster become too devoted to the Sherman Williams Occult, they will likely try to fulfill the organization’s plot to cover the world in paint, this is obviously their ultimate goal if you look at their company logo.
Aaron 2023-05-26
Heavy Breathing class: I don't know. What am I supposed to say about this? TF is a heavy breathing class? Yet here we are.
